The Two Sides of Us
by BluePost-it
Summary: Exploring Meredith and Nathan Universe. Focusing on the recall of their relationship and trying to imagine an alternate ending.
1. Chapter 1 - What do you want, Meredith?

**Author's Note: I am watching Grey's Anatomy from the very beginning. With the years I realized it was a kind of show that - with its ups and downs - always told me something significant. I learned a lot through the time and even though at a certain point I wanted it to end - instead of facing crucial changes - I kept watching it. Even when Cristina left, even when Derek died, when other characters came and their stories where so unimportant to me. I ran away for some time, but then I came back. And I fell in love with Meredith's story more and more.**

 **So here I am, trying to understand the whole Meredith-after-Derek's story and attempting to tell my version of what happened with Riggs.**  
 **I shipped Merthan so hard, everything was so real and amazingly told, that I was very disappointed with the Nathan-Megan happy ending.**  
 **So I am going to recollect what happens in the show between Meredith and Nathan from the hook up on and focus on what I think are the reasons that lay under their relationship. There are going to be variations from the original plot. I am going to add scenes that happened but were not showed or just imagine others. I would like to add details about Megan and Nathan, in order to tell who I think Nathan is.**

 **I will do my best in updating, but I am not going to lie: I have no idea when this project will finally be completed. But it will probably be, sooner or later.**

 **English is not my maternal language. I will try my very best in writing as correct as I can. Every hint or correction about the story or the language will be very appreciated. Don't hesitate to express your opinions and review.**

 **The first chapter takes place after s13e04.**

* * *

 **What do you want, Meredith?**

* * *

 _Can't we learn? Can't we grow up? Apparently not enough._

With this thought Meredith let herself collapse on her bed, after a rough day in which among other things she happened to question her medical judgment because of Riggs and she continued to play dumb with Maggie over again.

She wanted to talk to Nathan after the way he left the room where they were talking about a patient now paralyzed after the surgery. She knew he was upset and disappointed. She had insinuated something stupid she could have avoided it. But she felt confused and insecure, she needed to ask him right about it and got a terrible reaction in return. When she found him with a grumpy face sitting on the hospital's stairs, she approached him wanting to give him a sort of apology and clarification and even though it was not the most private of all the places, it was needed. The very moment the point of the discussion was reached Maggie showed up and caught them, she completely misunderstood the situation and made everything extreme awkward. Meredith was now experiencing a feeling of dirtiness and duplicity, but mostly of loneliness and confusion. Why must everything always be so complicated? Why can't she get _simple_ for once? This was proving she shouldn't looking for anyone to be anything near in her life or everything would get awkward. Look how it went with Thorpe…

She still cannot believe she had put herself in this position with Nathan Riggs of all people and Maggie, too. Too much water had passed under the bridge to let her think she could hang out with a guy, a guy that was all over her sister's speeches. She had learned about love, she assumed. She had learned to decipher herself, to know what she needed. And life got her used to talk straight, no more running issues, walk high headed. But apparently, no matter how many things we went through, we are never really prepared to handle change. Despite our story, despite the steps we have made, the unpredicted eventually hits us, feelings will always kick our asses and make us look like _brand news_.

 _Want do you want? –_ she remembered he asked not so long ago.

That was exactly the heart of the matter. How was she supposed to know? Did she want him, Riggs? Was she falling, as he pointed out causing her to smirk that night at Owen and Amelia's place?

He was being around a lot lately, in his good-looking and caring way, and it was becoming hard not to notice his kind of hovering felt good actually. Not that it was always pleasant to be stuck with him: she could still feel the urge to run away, to avoid him or abrupt the conversation. But eventually she would come back, a smile would escape her lips ignoring her efforts to shut it down. She was _pretending_ to find him annoying mostly. He wasn't annoying at all. Sometimes she couldn't help but feel completely at ease and fully understood at his presence. And no, it had nothing to do with the flirting or the sex.

They hooked up and had sex once – well, four times or whatever – and occasionally she could hardly manage the impulse to kiss him – like the night Alex got himself in trouble and Nathan knocked at the door demanding to know what the problem was. But there was more, a layer of comprehension that kept her by surprise. It was not an itch, something to scratch to feel fulfilled once removed. She didn't want him to look after her, to be attached and to care about her, and still they were becoming attached and she predicted it since the very night he appeared out of the blue at her front door.

He never let anything drop. He showed up at her place like he deserved to know everything that was going on through her mind. She had felt hunted for a little moment, pursued, forced to find words to explain herself to him, while she was having bigger matters to handle in that particular moment, like Alex spending his first night in jail to name one. But she couldn't deny she had made an effort to push him away.

Now he was there, all the time, telling her things and she was always trying to negate everything. Negate that the little moments they shared meant something. Negate every chance of dating or spend more time together as strictly necessary. Advocate her sister as an excuse for letting him down. However, near to the quips and games, she was experiencing a state of perfect unknowing, her actions far from come along with her intentions.

She had just admitted with Nathan she thought about him. He invaded her mind way more than she would have liked to, distracting her, making her spend her time in silly jokes and conversations about coming clean with Maggie and private stuff. She had just asked him to just be colleagues, nothing more. This should have given her a rest, a sense of relief, of self-control, but it didn't. In her huge bed, she only felt trapped in memories instead, in images of the past that kept entwining each other.

She had chosen to confide him her miracle dream. The dream that had disturbed her sleep for many nights, that every now and then her brain still decided to show her as a reminder that she was not over him, her one true love. There was a deep part of her that hadn't let him go yet. She suddenly decided to trust Nathan and to share that memory with him, who happened to tell her his personal miracle scenario. Except his vision could actually turn into a real miracle, hers, on the contrary, was meant to remain a pure illusion, no matter what. Derek was dead, she unplugged him herself. No surprise she reacted to the story of the miracle lady in the ER with the blurt: _she's gorked!_ At her eyes that kind of stories do not happen, she knew well the other stories, those who begin with _It was a dark and stormy night_ , were more likely to come true. But Nathan, he was different. He was kind of hopeful, an optimistic.

 _She's fully ungorked. Anything can happen, Dr. Grey_ – she recalled.

He knew disasters were real, people could die or disappear in one instant leaving nothing but pieces to glue up together, pieces we hang on to. Still, he was able to maintain a blur vision, a grey state of mind, to believe not believing, to stay tough and look forward not forgetting the past. He was the one who told her that happiness doesn't last and yet, he was the same person who seemed to never want to give up on her, he was sure that they could be something together.

She had the hint he could empathize, he could understand her world, her being two or more people at the same time: the Meredith who wanted to hate him and the one who was telling him to say no to Maggie when she would ask him out. She was not joking, she was a mess. She was absolutely aware of the fact that she was playing incoherent and what was worse, she wasn't going to tell her sister anything about it.

Maggie was so naïve and sometimes she just would have liked to put her hands over her shoulders and tell her: _Stop talking._ _Stop talking about Riggs. I slept with him, just before finding out that you are so idealistically in love with him. And I am so deeply sorry for that because I didn't see it coming,_ _but you have to get over him._

But she chose the silence for now. It was mean and selfish but she couldn't help but avoid this conversation. Her sister had a concept of boundaries that was not Meredith's. She recalled the way Maggie blamed her for not telling her the truth about Alex having beaten De Luca. She was loyal and caring and affectionate but also cut to see the world in black and white. She wouldn't have accepted the ambiguity Meredith was in, the deep dark and twistiness. She missed Cristina badly at that thought and felt immediately guilty about it. She missed the people she once had, the ones who got her, who knew she wasn't the kind of woman that lived in a world cut with the knife: right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad. Life taught her all these things were likely to come along altogether most of the time. So, she wasn't to blame for not telling anyone but Alex about this messy situation.

Meredith was absolutely sure Maggie will eventually meet the love of her life, but she was also absolutely sure it was not Nathan. There was no universe they could work. He was hot, no doubt she was attracted by him, but Nathan was Nathan, and Maggie was Maggie. And so, as she knew Izzie wasn't Alex's one true love, so she could tell Riggs wasn't Maggie's.

As for confessing it to her sister that was out of the matter, because the moment she would say it to Maggie, then she actually should have to admit to herself that Nathan was real, that she might be into him for real. And she was not in the mood of let that happen, or…

A cry came from the room in front of her's and cut off her thought. She suddenly stood up and walked through the darkness approaching a tiny bed.

"Oh, everything's okay. I'm right here. Shh, come here. Let's get some sleep in mama's bed".  
With those words, she took her youngest daughter in her arms, she cuddled her and snuggled her tight, bringing her into the still lighted room, where finally was dark too and sleepy noises were to hear.


	2. Chapter 2 - The Night of the Haunter

_**Author's Note:**_ **I finally got the chance to focus on this story and completed the second chapter. I know for some of you this plot doesn't make any sense. Some of you left comments, underlying the oddity of me, a MerDer fan, writing about Nathan. Maybe I am playing incoherent, but I think the reason I felt the urge to imagine a different end for these two characters and not for Derek, is because I already made up my personal Legend of Meredith and McDreamy. I already wrote something in Italian when I was younger, I simply spent so much time thinking about them. They are The Couple, they will always be to me.  
And so the current challenge is to think about a Meredith without him, a Meredith that jumped a man and see what happens.  
I am the one who is making up the story, so it will be sappy at some point, because I don't think I can avoid sappy thoughts. But hopefully it will be a lot more.  
I am mostly writing for myself, because I enjoy in finding a written form to little fragments of insights, but every review is very well appreciated!  
This chapter explores Nathan's POV and takes place after s13e05.**

 **NB: I changed the rating of the story, now it's targed M, just to be sure.**

 **Enjoy :)  
**

* * *

 ** _The Night of the Haunter_**

* * *

 _A doorbell sound. Nathan stood up automatically and walked towards the door, too tired to wonder about the identity of this late guest._

" _Who is it?", he asked out loud and without even waiting for an answer, he shut the door open in front of him._

" _Hi! I-I know this contradicts what I told you this morning and I definitely should rather spend my time at home with my kids, but… I-I figured that I could accept the suggestion of a colleague after all. Do you still have a working air-conditioner to share?"_

" _Mm, sure I do", a smile of disbelief escaping from his lips. "Come on in! Let's share"._

 _He motioned a sort of bow, making space to let her in, then he closed the door with a satisfied smirk painted on his face. But the minute he turned around to face her, she was…_

Gone. He jumped in the air at the sound of a real shutting door, blinded by a sudden clearness. He found himself sunk on one of the armchairs of the attending's lounge _._

 _Oh, SHUT UP. His thoughts were already compromised, has she now intruded his dreams, too?_

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up, I didn't realize someone was here and asleep", he heard April saying, right after she entered the room holding her baby and turned the lights on.

"No problem", Nathan let out with a grunt, rubbing his face and hair to shake himself from sleep a little bit. "I shouldn't be sleeping here. I am not on call. I think I'll just head home" .

"Owen told me you had the chance to spend some time with Harriet today. I am surprised he was willingly to share.".

"Yeah, there was a sort of contamination emergency".

"Ha, I see", she let out a genuine smile.  
Then he sat up and started collecting all his stuff. "I am glad you're back, April. Harriet is a lucky kid", he acknowledged and he went out after have wished her a good night.

* * *

 _This was certainly not expected_ , he reflected a while later, focusing on his fantasy while driving his car on his way home.

Something about Meredith Grey caught him from the very beginning, from the first time he let his eyes wander on her, but she was still far behind from agreeing to come out on a date with him.  
Sure, she happened to jump him and they had sex. I mean, a lot of great sex in her car. They even shared moments and personal memories in the last few days…

However, it was nonsense this idiotic dream about her, he was definitely rushing it.  
Maybe he should just consider letting her be for some time and see what happens. Anyway, how the hell was he supposed to achieve in giving her space when his brain was becoming so Meredith-centric?

He had chosen perseverance and she was totally worth it. The whole situation so intriguing: her way to run away from him, to avoid him and call it off. And yet, the jokes and silly things she said, he really had not a clue how he should interpret them. Her showing up, letting him be aware of things about her private self and leaving him with a bunch of contradictory signs.

She was the best puzzle life ever offered to him and he was so determined to solve it.  
She was a medical mystery, someone you don't get to meet twice.

Everything around her was fuzzy: her name was in the hospital's building, everyone could recognize her when she walked, people knew her husband died, who her mother used to be and other stuff like that. Only few could however boast of knowing who she really was or guessing what could she thinking most of the time.  
He was certainly a good guesser occasionally. Still, if he could peek at her past life, he would get astonished at the number of things he would never ever imagined she experienced.

Sometimes he found himself genuinely intimidated. He could tell there was a lot more behind Meredith's eyes than she allowed the others to see. It was easy indeed to misunderstand her being and romantically fall in love with someone that happens to live the same tragedy you are in.  
This shouldn't been happening.

The truth was, except her being a widow, extremely stubborn and sexy, an excellent surgeon and mother of three, he didn't know much of her.  
What if he only had a crush on a body? A body, which he unconsciously had filled with his expectations and pretentious ideas of similarity? She was far from being Megan, after all.  
How could he be sure that his fascination towards her was not only due to the correspondences of their pasts, to the pleasure of having found someone who could truly comprehend the enormity of this kind of loss and the implications that come with it?  
It was frightening not to know the very reasons we care about certain persons, the reasons we need them to be part of our lives. Was it comfort, or habit? A sincere affection, even love?

She knew better that he was in seek for no pity. He was not miserable, she wasn't either. He could sincerely share with her a part of himself he never allowed anyone to get to know before. At her presence, he was having a real chance to open himself up about Megan and the whole story. This was a sort of a gift to him.

I mean, when your fiancée went missing after she had just found out that you cheated on her, you lost your right of being sorry and miserable at people's eyes, especially her brother's. You become the beast that did her something horrible and you end up believing it. You even forget she cheated on you as well. Your sense of guilt so intense, you think you won't ever recover until you have the freakin' chance to make it up with her.

* * *

 _Laughter and watery sounds suddenly filled the confined air of his car and a very well-known voice spoke from the past in his head.  
_

 _"Oh, come on. Hurry up; it's the most amazing place I have ever seen!"  
_

 _A slender woman with light red hair splashed from the edge of the lake into the water, spraying everywhere around. She reemerged with eyes closed and a giant smile of contentment in her face. When her eyes were open again, she did not squander any time to invite everybody to join her quickly in the water.  
_

 _"Come on, it's just beautiful! Nathan! Owen!"  
_

 _She avoided regardless to name the forth of group, Beth, her brother's fiancée, knowing she was not quite the type who enjoys the sort of entertainment coming from swimming or even being in the wilderness.  
Megan. They were on leave, finally a little time to dedicate to themselves, to wash a bit of fear, sand and the weight their job, experienced in the middle of a war, brought with it.  
Nathan remembered having reached the shore and jumped in the water, ready to envelop her quite naked body in his arms.  
_

 _"Here you are", she let out, surrounding his neck with her arms and leaning down to share a wet kiss.  
_

 _While savoring each other they heard another splash, meaning Owen had joined them, too. He came to surface, enjoying the refreshment and the opportunity to tease them.  
_

 _"It is beautiful, indeed. Beth, are you sure you don't want to take a swim?"  
_

 _Beth was about to sit down near the shore, her feet sunk in the clearance of the lake.  
_

 _"Maybe later", she replied politely.  
_

 _"I'll tell you something, guys. When I am in such places, I cannot avoid thinking that this is the pure essence of life! We are so lucky and our lives are just beautiful. We should simply take it all and get married. Assure us to have this joy all lifelong", Megan let out, looking straight to Nathan, smirking to him.  
_

 _He was amused and determined to mock her, "What are you talking about? There's no room to talk about civilization and silly rituals in here. Let's let Owen open the play, by the way".  
_

 _"Oh, no way. I am sure us two are going to be ready very soon. We are going to have a big party, with lot of sangria, served in carved watermelons, near to a swimming pool", she daydreamed with a relaxed and diverted tone.  
_

 _"You two are going to be drunk and drowned before you know it, if you put it this way", blurted Owen, genuinely laughing.  
_

 _His comment brought to an explosion of mirth and other jokes followed, since Megan started spraying water to both her brother and fiancée, who both responded fighting back until they were all laughing so hard, they forgot the actual reason.  
_

 _Owen approached the shore and embraced Beth, while Megan and Nathan swam away, looking for some private snugness.  
_

 _"Were you actually thinking about a wedding, husband and wife with children and all that kinda stuff?", Nathan asked her, once they were alone, in one another's arms.  
_

 _"No, maybe not yet. The view of us in harmony with the world might just overwhelmed me. But I am pretty sure I would like having a big party and a bunch of kids around to keep us company".  
_

 _"Interesting topic, especially regarding that bunch of kids. How many are we talking about? Luke and Matilda?"  
_

 _"Two seems like a fair beginning. However, there's no universe I am going to name my son Luke, the Star Wars era is gone. I like the name Bernard".  
_

 _"Bernard? Are you kidding me?"  
_

 _"No, not at all. It's like my dream name since I was seven. I always imagined calling my baby so".  
_

 _"Yeah, but then you grow up and you develop different tastes, you know. You discover you like coffee ice-cream instead of vanilla or strawberry and you prefer watching a good movie over the Muppet's Show!"  
_

 _Megan's face still and serious, "but you keep loving the name Bernard… It's sounds so cool to me!"  
_

 _"Oh, c'mon, I will let you name our dog Bernard! I promise!"  
_

 _"You're not funny! We can keep on bickering about baby names, but I won't give up on this".  
_

 _"So I am just going to sit and hope, we will eventually have a girl".  
_

 _"In that case, her name will be Bernardetta".  
_

 _"Wait, what? You can't be serious: they both sound odd and grim! And I can't even spell the female one!"  
_

 _"Oh, you will learn, eventually".  
_

 _"No way. We should adopt, then. You should be dismissed from the art of naming, I say!"  
_

 _A new water battle began between squeals, laughter and kisses and put to bed the conversation for a very long time. Maybe forever, he considered._

* * *

He was glad he could finally park the car and make a clear cut to such a painful memory. His future kids.  
He never really thought about his chances of becoming a father and now somewhat he felt robbed of something precious.  
Meredith had children. Mom of three.  
This fact should arise the hint of letting her be, of understanding her several denials.  
How would having Megan's child or children affect his today life, now that she is gone? Wouldn't it interfere with the remote idea of getting serious with someone?

 _"I usually endure to leave them alone nighttime only when strictly necessary, during emergencies I can't avoid or arrange otherwise"._

He recalled Meredith's reply to his question, after several releases in her car, about the frequency she happened to write messages telling her kids she was coming home extremely late.  
He entered his apartment, wore off his jacket, his shoes and heading to his bedroom, with the memory of that night appearing against his will in his thoughts...

 _They were laying together on the back seats of her car, almost embraced, due to the lack of space and the closeness a bunch of orgasms can create between two nearly strangers. She had just sent a message to her sister with a lame excuse for not being home yet and he couldn't stop wondering how awkward she should feel for that. That's why he demanded if her children were at least used to hear that she must work until late.  
_

 _At her response, he felt the urge to comment, "It should be awkward then, not being home because you're here".  
_

 _He cursed himself a second later for the stupidity of his sentence, but she seemed at ease, to his surprise.  
_

 _"A bit. But I don't feel that terrible. I don't regret it. At least, not yet. I am probably going to be sorry in the morning".  
_

 _"Sorry is fair. But I don't want to end up on the top of the list of people you're pissed at for_ this _".  
_

 _"I can make no promises for that. I can try not to be mean, though. And, for the record: I was pissed because of a fucking trailer, into the fucking woods!".  
_

 _"Am I supposed to get that?"  
_

 _"No, I-I'm just saying…" – she rambled.  
_

 _"You said_ was _, though. You_ were _pissed".  
_

 _"Yeah, whatever. Now I'm just full of endorphin: it doesn't count!"  
_

 _"Aha, I see…"  
_

 _"No, don't even think of flatter yourself: you've just bothered me at the wrong time. The yelling at each other part just aroused me, because I was already mad and we were simply too deprived to stop at that point".  
_

 _"I wasn't deprived".  
_

 _"Well, I was. That's the only reason all of this happened".  
_

 _"So, anger and celibacy are the two key factors. I'll keep that in mind…", Nathan chuckled.  
_

 _"Now shut up! What do you want?"  
_

 _"O c'mon! I'm just kidding. By the way, that rhetoric question opened the play. Are we going in circles?"_

" _Nope, it's way better, if I'm going straight home at this point", and she began to untangle herself from the knotted figure they created with their legs and arms._

 _She sat up cautiously, due to the lack of space and began to examine the pile of clothes spread all over the car._

" _I can't find my bra", she admitted._

 _Nathan looked around, examining the dark cabin._

" _Oh, there"_

" _Right here", they said simultaneously and quickly stretched at the same time to reach the spot, where Meredith's bra was by both seen. Too quickly._

" _Ouch!", their heads crashed hard together, causing sudden snorts and curses._

" _Oh, damn it!"_

" _Holy shit!"_

 _They kept massaging their foreheads, remaining close to one another, when a slightly laughter filled the room, becoming louder and louder and contagious, until they were literally both laughing their ass off._

 _Meredith sighed, gaining her breath again, Nathan swiped some tears stuck at the corner of his eyes. Their gazes met in the dark._

 _Too close._

 _He dared to caress her skin, from the shoulder, down her arm._

 _A shiver._

 _By the time she let her lips crash into his, everything started all over again._

 _They were back in a laying position, Meredith on top of him, her messy hair creating a curtain around them._

" _I am glad, you couldn't find your bra", he admitted, interrupting the kiss to cup one breast and getting his breath very near to it._

 _His soft breeze gave her another shiver and increased the urge to feel him. She reached for his penis intent on guiding him to her entrance._

" _Wait", he softly stopped her, touching her arm. "we're not there, yet"._

 _He took a nipple in his mouth, licked and kissed it and continued massaging it, while moving his tongue to her other breast. She let go his penis in order to prevent from losing her balance and kept herself steady, leaning her hand against his chest, instead. When he was done tasting her breasts, he searched for her lips again, one free hot hand wandering through the length of her body, from neck to back, until her ass and legs, the other surrounding her chin. She captured his head, roughly entwining her fingers through his hair, focused on the attentions he was giving to her. She expected his fingers to find their way inside her anytime now, but he raised his hips in a sudden movement and drove her down, catching her by surprise the moment he slid in her. Smart move. Meredith blushed and lost the rhythm of her kissing for a blink, more than aroused now. They found a new beat, a pressing and frantic one, which led them until the edge and down the hill of the very last bliss of that night. Exhausted and fulfilled, they allowed themselves to stand still, one over another to catch their breaths and regain control over their bodies._

" _I think, I should really kick you out of my car now", she let out after a while of stillness has passed._

" _Yeah, you should"._

 _They sat up. They grabbed some clothes, got carelessly dressed and went out of the car. The parking lot almost empty, no one in the way._

" _Okay"._

" _Okay"._

" _See you", spoke Meredith._

" _Enjoy the wedding"._

" _Yeah, thanks", she let out, sarcastically._

 _"Goodnight"._

 _"Goodnight"._

 _Meredith reached the driver's seat and Nathan walked toward his car. She started the engine and drove away. He waited until her car disappeared, then got inside and went off as well._

By the time the remembrance was over, he was laying on his bed, thoughtful and tired. His eyes fast closed and a new dream already appearing, filling the gap in between.


End file.
